exboyfriend issues advice

[Marlynx24]

So my exboyfriend and I broke up a while ago, were both christian but he "messed up", he forgot i had his facebook password and one day i checked his messages and saw he was telling his ex that he misses her, etc. He also had another message with a girl in his school and they were planning to meet up and do "things." I confronted him about it and we broke up but he still says he loves me and that he doesn't know why he did that. I told my sister what happened and she can't stand him at all! My parents don't like him either now because they know he did something to me, but i just don't want them to know. It's be over 5 months and he still tells me he loves me, i think i love him too and i forgive him for what he did but i can't forget it. God told me to wait in him, but does that mean wait for my ex, or for someone else. I wanna be with him but I'm, not sure whether I can trust him again and i never know if he's lying that he loves me and has other intentions. He's a man of God and he helps me alot when it comes to the word of God. His callingis to be a preacher and mine is a singer, and he told me God said his future wife will be a singer, he says anything is possible in God and he can fix our relationship. BUT... I don't want to be with a boy my sister can't stand since were so close and have argued about me even thinking of getting back with him, I want a guy that my family can get along with i don't wanna do things hiding. We argued alot because i remind him of how he hurt me but he tells me to forget that. My sister tells me i deserve better, and God has tell me he has a PRINCE for me... does that mean hes not the one for me because he basically cheated? i love him and i care about him but i also want the best for me... what should i do? should i just stop talking to him and let God take control?

[LauraNicole]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. But your last sentence is right on:

Let God take control.

Let me tell you something. The only guy I dated before my current boyfriend talked about who he wanted to date (that was NOT me) on his blog while we were together. We broke up, and I didn't date anyone for years. And now I'm with my best friend and the love of my life.

My advice besides echoing "let God take control"... move on. Maybe one day you guys can be friends, but the general rule is to not date someone you can't trust. What happens down the road if you guys got married and had kids? Would you be able to trust him for the rest your life? Or would you always worry about him?

I would let him go and just move on. Infidelity is a tricky sin. In marriage, you need to work through it and keep the marriage together. But in dating, you have the option of walking away and choosing not to have that struggle with it. It sucks, it hurts and leaves you feeling terrible. I believe God has better options for you. Let go, and then see where God takes you.

[CadillacCowboy]

Originally Posted by Marlynx24

So my exboyfriend and I broke up a while ago, were both christian but he "messed up", he forgot i had his facebook password and one day i checked his messages and saw he was telling his ex that he misses her, etc. He also had another message with a girl in his school and they were planning to meet up and do "things." I confronted him about it and we broke up but he still says he loves me and that he doesn't know why he did that. I told my sister what happened and she can't stand him at all! My parents don't like him either now because they know he did something to me, but i just don't want them to know. It's be over 5 months and he still tells me he loves me, i think i love him too and i forgive him for what he did but i can't forget it. God told me to wait in him, but does that mean wait for my ex, or for someone else. I wanna be with him but I'm, not sure whether I can trust him again and i never know if he's lying that he loves me and has other intentions. He's a man of God and he helps me alot when it comes to the word of God. His callingis to be a preacher and mine is a singer, and he told me God said his future wife will be a singer, he says anything is possible in God and he can fix our relationship. BUT... I don't want to be with a boy my sister can't stand since were so close and have argued about me even thinking of getting back with him, I want a guy that my family can get along with i don't wanna do things hiding. We argued alot because i remind him of how he hurt me but he tells me to forget that. My sister tells me i deserve better, and God has tell me he has a PRINCE for me... does that mean hes not the one for me because he basically cheated? i love him and i care about him but i also want the best for me... what should i do? should i just stop talking to him and let God take control?

He sounds like a snake oil salesman and you sound a little immature for stalking someone online even if he gave you his password. You guys aren't ready or are too immature for a relationship and you should both part ways permanently. There is absolutely zero reason for anyone to a partner's private messages in a relationship where both individuals are loving and dedicated. Women have great intuition and you obviously don't think he isn't dedicated to you. I'd trust your instinct and leave.

A family that doesn't support your relationship is the final nail in the coffin. No marriage will ever work if your "circle" is discussing your husband in a negative light behind his back. He seems incapable of taking control of the situation and even if you iron things out together you obviously aren't ready to be a unconditionally loving wife. If you really loved him you would have stuck up for him(although he doesn't deserve it) and rebutted your sister.

Don't fall for the I had a dream where God told me we were meant to be together crap either. As a male, I know that's a last ditch I want some booty or I'm grasping at straws for a reason to get back into your life statement. If he loves you so much why can't he articulate it by himself? I think God does have someone for everyone but, it's doubtful that you wouldn't be able to recognize and state your reasons for loving that person.

[Taserah]

Although I agreed with most of what Cadilac Cowboy said there is one thing that I found a little irksome about his post.

...you obviously aren't ready to be a unconditionally loving wife. If you really loved him you would have stuck up for him (although he doesn't deserve it)...

I don't believe that unconditional love means you always stick up for someone. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half months and I do love him unconiditionally. There is nothing he could do that would make me not love him. However, there are times when we has hurt someone's feelings or said something innapropriate. I didn't stick up for him in those moments but rather explained to him why I see what he did as wrong. Does this mean I wasn't loving him in that moment? Of course not. Should I have stuck up for him even though he didn't deserve it? Of course not. All people make mistakes and just because you love someone does not mean you support unwise or sinful decisions that they make or actions that they commit.

Marlynx24 I agree with LauraNicole. There are so many things in today's culture that tell us to follow our hearts but the Bible warns us that our hearts can't always be trusted and only God can be trusted in completely. I would recomend that you really dig into God's word right now and descern for yourself what he would have you do.

You also have to think of yourself in this situation. Could you trust him in the context of marriage or would you be wondering whether he's faithful to you? Could you be with him without feeling like you're disapointing your family? I know these are really tough questions to answer but the thing is that only you can answer them. Ultimately what is on the line here is your feelings, your future and your relationship with God. You need to make choices that our going to honour your relationship with God.

I'll be praying for you that you can make the right decision in this area. I know how tough boy problems can be and my heart goes out to you.

[Marlynx24]

It might've been immature of me to check his messages online, but think of it like this, if i hadn't check those messages i wouldv'e never known what he was doing. I wouldv'e carried on my relationship with him not knowing he was talking to other girls in such an inappropriate manner. If i had nothing to hide i personally wouldn't care whether he had my password or not. I disagree with you on if i truly loved him i wouldv'e stuck up for him, because my sister just wants the best for me, sometimes i admit youre blinded by how much you love and care for a person that you forget to love yourself first. I did deserve better. Just because you love a person doesn't mean you have to stick with them even when they hurt you and claim they love you. You don't hurt a person you love period. I'm not married to him so i'm not forced to stay with him, i shouldv'e left as soon as i found out he cheated but i held on and now its harder to let go. especially since hes in my church and i see him all the time. He still calls me and sends me messages but im trying to avoid talking to him if i wanna get over him even though my feelings towards him hasnt changed a bit. God told me to wait, and I want to dedicate my life to him completely, if he says wait, its for a reason right. :/

[Taserah]

I totally agree with you. God knows what's best and the most important thing right now is to put all your trust in him. He knows the desires of your heart and only wants what's best for you. Stick with God and his will will prevail and be done. I'll be praying for you. Lots of love.

[Marlynx24]

So i recently told him (ex) i want to forget him so stop trying to contact me, thing is thats exactly what i DONT want. and its crazy hard that he literally passes by me thru church and were supposed to act like we never had anything.

He told me well remember this is what you wanted. i think hes just the most beautiful guy ive ever met, flaws and all. He looks like hes really tring to avoid me too. and i wanna ask God to help me get over him but in reality thats what i dont want to do, i want him to work things out between my family, him and I. He was playing the piano during the worship today and i normally sit right in front of the instruments.

It was difficult for me to even get up and worship because i didnt want to make any type of eye contact so i tried worshiping sitting down and i started breaking down in tears bc God was speaking to me and consoling me. The girl in charge of the worship was saying we have to praise God even when were going through difficult situations. And God told me sometimes i have to take you out of your "comfort zone" so that i can be able to work with you.

I honestly wish i had a time machine and listened to my father and pastor when they adviced me to pray FIRST before getting into a relationship. I wish things couldve worked out differently. but God doesnt bring someone into your life for nothing.

Im sorry i keep writing about this but i can't handle this. I just really need your prayers guys. Thanks and God bless.

[Little princess]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting so much at the moment as you deal with all the emotions surrounding your relationship with your ex. I know just how painful a broken heart can be and how it may feel like a million pieces on the floor and you wonder how you will ever sort the mess out. It's not easy, especially when you have invested a lot in a person.

Reading what you have already written, it is clear to me that you recognise that as much as you might want to still be with your boyfriend - you recognise that you can't trust him at the moment and I really commend you for being able to look at this so clearly. Often we tend to look through "rose coloured glasses" when our emotions are involved and the fact that you have been able to look beyond that and identify that having a relationship with him is not a good idea, is very wise indeed -- so I won't repeat what others have already said about whether you should stay with him or not since I think you know deep down what is the right thing to do.

Instead, I just want to offer you a word of encouragement. At the end of the day, a lot of people in Christian circles will tell you that the best way to "get over someone" is to cut yourself off from them completely, pretend that there was never anything there and pray as hard as you can for God to remove the feelings. But somehow I don't think it always works like that -- or at least it hasn't for me.

It seems like you're learning the same lesson I've experienced over the years: just because I know I shouldn't like someone, doesn't always mean that I stop liking them. And just because someone avoids me to try and help, doesn't mean it does help as it can often hurt so badly. And sometimes, the more I pray to God to get rid of my feelings, the more I dwell on my feelings and the stronger they become. Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't just take these troublesome desires and passions away - it would save us so much pain and so many tears! But then, we wouldn't need to trust Him.

I read this quote last year by a women called Elisabeth Elliot:

Let's be candid with ourselves before God. Call a spade a spade or even a muddy shovel. If your passions are aroused, say so - to yourself and to God - not to the object of your passion. Then turn the reins over to God. Bring your will to Him. Will to obey Him, ask for His help. He will not do the obeying for you, but He will help you. Don't ask me how. He knows how. You'll see." - Elisabeth Elliot

In other words, when you find yourself overwhlmed with feelings towards your exboyfriend, don't try to bury it, don't try to pretend it isn't happening because I know from experience that suppressing feelings only make them worse. Instead, acknowledge the feelings to yourself and God "I still have feelings for my ex" -- ask God to help you overcome them -- "lord, help me to deal with these feelings and to follow your will" -- then do something (a distractor). Don't dwell on your feelings. Don't spend hours thinking them over. Acknowledge they are there then find an activity to take your mind off them. Different things work for different people but ideally it would be something which uses both your mind and your body (such as reading a book, watching a movie, playing and singing worship songs, doing homework, doing a cross-word puzzle, scrapbooking, sewing, cooking, playing a team sport, etc.).

You mentioned that you are trying to act like you never had anything with him. My dear sister in Christ -- please don't feel like you need to act in this way. You see, each experience you have had with this guy has helped to mould you and shape you into becoming the young women who you are today and to simply try and erase this part of your history, is not healthy nor is it possible. Instead, learn from the mistakes you have made, learn from the mistakes he has made and allow yourself to grow from these. As you said yourself "God doesn't bring someone into your life for nothing".

Maybe God has bought this experience into your life to help you learn to trust HIM. Maybe he is using it to help you learn to forgive your boyfriend for the mistakes he has made -- but to recognise that forgiving someone and trusting them again are two different things. Forgivness can take a moment, but trust is something which has to be built up over a long time. And that's what I'd encourage you to do. Forgive him, but don't dwell on him. Forgive him, but don't go running back into a relationship with him. Forgive him and allow God to heal your broken heart -- and move on.

It won't happen right away and at the end of the day, it's unlikely your feelings will just vanish overnight, but in time your broken heart with be healed as God's peace will guard your heart and mind. I don't say this because I know. I say this because I know God and I know the promises that he makes. For He tells us:

"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)