Kissing - How To Broach The Subject

[Becca]

Okay so this is sort of odd, even in Christian circles I guess :P especially in England where things are, I think, often less fundamental.

Basically in my first few terms at uni I went a bit off the rails, drinking a lot etc. This lead to me kissing totally random people and on one occasion going a bit further than kissing. Luckily nothing bad came further out of it; I remained a virgin and plan to do so until I'm married.

So because of this I want to make sure that when I start dating a Godly person in a Godly way that the kissing isn't just a thing we do. I want it to mean something every time we do it. I know that when you kiss that your whole body responds and let's be honest, we girls do want to go further. That's portrayed as a very male issue but it often isn't solely a problem for guys. We just hide it better I guess. But yeah, I want to wait until a time when those responses are appropriate.

How would you go about telling a guy this? Guys, if a girl told you this would you think it weird or disagree?

[LivingIt]

My boyfriend waited for me to say when I was ready to kiss. It was very gentleman-like and very sweet. Until we were ready he kissed me on the cheek or forehead to greet me, say goodbye etc.
Every kiss makes my heart feel like it's flying and it's always special. He still kisses me on the cheek and forehead and they're just as sweet.
I expect him to talk to me if he has a problem with temptation or anything- just as I would do if I had an issue.

I think the key to this is be respectful and keep communicating.

[NeonSky]

When my boyfriend and I first got together, we both agreed that we wouldn't kiss each other on the lips until we were both okay with it. Until then, we just held hands and kissed on the cheek. About 3 months passed when we finally kissed. And even then we made sure that from then on our relationship wasn't just all about kissing; we still wanted it to be about our personal and emotional selves.

So I think it's important to explain it soon before anything gets to serious. Maybe explain those past experiences that led up to your decision? And hopefully the guy will respond honestly, whether he likes the idea or not so you can take it from there.

[justified]

I am not most guys. I have not kissed a girl romantically before. I want to save that for my future wife when I propose to her.

I don't think it would be weird, and would agree.

However, I think the guy should initiate the conversation about boundaries, and at that point it is appropriate to tell him. If he tries to kiss you before talking about that stuff then you should stop him and talk to him about that. If a girl said 'I don't want to kiss until ____.' Any guy interested in pursuing you is going to agree to that. If they are interested in something else then they may disagree. Any guy who disagrees to a boundary that you place should be dumped, Immediately!

I don't think you should talk about your past experiences until he asks you or you are comfortable with doing that, whichever comes later in time. If he talks about his past experiences is also an appropriate time to share yours if you are comfortable.

[4EverTrusting]

I think that if a guy is seriously interested in who you are as a person, he'll honour and support you with your decisions and boundaries regarding kissing and physical touch.

I've never been kissed and don't wish to be until I am proposed to, as that will make it so much more special and will have been saved for the person I intend to marry. I will make my boundaries clear from the start, and I don't think there is anything unusual about it.

[Little princess]

Originally Posted by justified

However, I think the guy should initiate the conversation about boundaries, and at that point it is appropriate to tell him. If he tries to kiss you before talking about that stuff then you should stop him and talk to him about that.

Personally, I'd actually disagree on waiting for the guy to initiate the conversation. Communication is vital to any relationship and I think it is healthy for both people involved to feel comfortable raising such issues which are important to them. I don't think it is healthy for young women to simply wait -- and hope -- indefinately for the guy in their life to initiate a conversation about boundaries when they have some pressing concerns. To me, this isn't a case of a girl trying to lead the relationship as much as it is the girl trying to ensure that both people are on the same page.

The reason I say this is based on your second sentence I quoted above. It is much better for such things to be out in the open before such a situation may arise when the guy may lean in towards and try to kiss the girl. Though arguably not as strong, us girls do have the same physical desires as guys too -- and trying to push a guy away when you truly love him and want to be close to him is much easier said than done. Similarly, trying to conduct a clear conversation about "boundaries" during a period of increased emotions/physical drive/longings can be challenging as your desires for the present moment may shape and influence the discussion. Does this make sense?

I think it's helpful to be clear about your views from the start. This doesn't mean the first time that you meet a guy you should tell him everything at once but rather as you get to know him, and he gets to know you, he'll begin to pick up on where you stand with certain things. Though I can't talk from experience (and I don't pretend to do so), I think it's perfectly reasonable for early in your relationship you to raise the "what do you think our relationship should look like?" question -- which is a perfect opportunity for you to then share your wish for kissing to be meaningful and to wait until an appropriate time. This also means that if he doesn't respect your decision (and I pray that this never happens to you), you are able to end things before too much deep emotional bonds/attachments are made.

Going into details about your bodily responses may be a bit too much straight away (since you don't want him to start thinking about what you're body is doing/wanting!) so it's probably wise to leave that information out initially. All in all, being able to talk about such things to ensure you're both on the same page and understand what the other person thinks is really helpful

[Becca]

Thanks everyone! I definitely wouldn't want to sit and wait for him to bring it up, so thank you for that post Little Princess :D

In my smallgroup we did a study on marriage and stuff and we concluded that actually both partners should lead the relationship equally. I'll see if I can find the verses - you just need to read a new perspective into them sometimes. It was about being wholly devoted and about how one partner shouldn't have to sit back and let the other lead all the time. It was very interesting

And nope, definitely plan to save the bodily response point haha. That would be awkward! Thanks again everyone :D

[TehPanda]

Choosing when you want to kiss someone in a relationship isn't just up to one person -- it's up to the other one as well. You both have to be in agreement or the relationship will be strained from the very beginning. Let me put this like this -- I am about to use a few scenarios that may be extreme just to illustrate a point.

1) Bob met Sarah at school. They seemed to hit it off. Both of them enjoy science and math and seem to really get along with one another. Bob is a very strong, conservative Christian. Sarah states that she is "spiritual" but she doesn't follow a particular set of beliefs. On their first date, Bob took Sarah back to her apartment, and Sarah invited Bob in for a "nightcap". Bob laughed and said, "No, thanks." thinking that Sarah wasn't actually asking for that on the first date. A few weeks into the relationship. Sarah again asked for more physical intimacy. Sarah wanted to have sex with Bob. Bob was not wanting to do that until he was married. Up until this point, they have never discussed this aspect. When Sarah finally spoke up, it made things very awkward --- the relationship didn't last much past that next date because both of them wanted such different things physically.

2) Jane met Tom at a Bible Study. Tom noticed something in Jane that he hadn't seen in any other girl. He was just amazed by her. She was lovely - inside and out. He slowly got to know her and became friends, and he made it known that he wanted to get to know her in order to date her one day. Jane understood. Finally, on that first date, things went wonderfully -- Jane left the house dressed to the 9's and expecting to have a wonderful time. While Jane and Tom had gotten to know one another, Jane had told Tom casually that she didn't want to kiss someone until she was absolutely ready. Tom told Jane on the first date that there was no pressure. It was a few weeks into the relationship that they had their first kiss -- and it was magical for both. From the start, they were on the same page about physical intimacy.

Point? Be open about things. Communicate with people. Don't assume that the other person wants the same thing as you do. Open up and talk about it. Kissing is something that people differ on about when to do it and when not to do it. Many Christians disagree -- it is a personal thing many times -- and that is TOTALLY okay. But, be open about it. If you don't want to kiss someone immediately, make it known. It's the only way to ensure you will both be on the same page.

Amanda

[justified]

Originally Posted by Little princess

Personally, I'd actually disagree on waiting for the guy to initiate the conversation. Communication is vital to any relationship and I think it is healthy for both people involved to feel comfortable raising such issues which are important to them. I don't think it is healthy for young women to simply wait -- and hope -- indefinately for the guy in their life to initiate a conversation about boundaries when they have some pressing concerns. To me, this isn't a case of a girl trying to lead the relationship as much as it is the girl trying to ensure that both people are on the same page.

The reason I say this is based on your second sentence I quoted above. It is much better for such things to be out in the open before such a situation may arise when the guy may lean in towards and try to kiss the girl. Though arguably not as strong, us girls do have the same physical desires as guys too -- and trying to push a guy away when you truly love him and want to be close to him is much easier said than done. Similarly, trying to conduct a clear conversation about "boundaries" during a period of increased emotions/physical drive/longings can be challenging as your desires for the present moment may shape and influence the discussion. Does this make sense?

I think it's helpful to be clear about your views from the start. This doesn't mean the first time that you meet a guy you should tell him everything at once but rather as you get to know him, and he gets to know you, he'll begin to pick up on where you stand with certain things. Though I can't talk from experience (and I don't pretend to do so), I think it's perfectly reasonable for early in your relationship you to raise the "what do you think our relationship should look like?" question -- which is a perfect opportunity for you to then share your wish for kissing to be meaningful and to wait until an appropriate time. This also means that if he doesn't respect your decision (and I pray that this never happens to you), you are able to end things before too much deep emotional bonds/attachments are made.

I understand your points LP. I like your suggestion of asking a question. That should get a dialogue started. However, to me it would seem that the woman is trying to lead in that area of the relationship, if she just came out and placed the boundaries. The reason is that I have every intention of discussing boundaries, and discussing them early on in the relationship.

[TehPanda]

Originally Posted by justified

I understand your points LP. I like your suggestion of asking a question. That should get a dialogue started. However, to me it would seem that the woman is trying to lead in that area of the relationship, if she just came out and placed the boundaries. The reason is that I have every intention of discussing boundaries, and discussing them early on in the relationship.

It isn't about who is leading and who isn't. But, it is about keeping one's own purity. My purity is my OWN responsibility. It isn't up to someone else. Everyone -- man and woman -- has a definition of purity. If the man has one that the woman disagrees with, she shouldn't just sit back and say nothing. No, if she has boundaries that the man wants to go past, yes, she needs to speak up -- even if it is something as simple as not wanting anything more than a kiss on a cheek on the first date. My purity isn't in someone else's hands -- my boundaries are in my own hands as well. And, it is up to me to make sure they are made known. It has nothing to do with leading in a relationship or in an area of it. It's about taking care of an area of your own spiritual health and physical and mental rather than leaving it up to someone else.

Amanda