Long Distance Relationship?

[MyOnlyHope]

Ok, I was wondering if any of you have any stories about long distance relationships. Can they really work? Any tips to make sure they work?

Here's a breif summary of the situation (If there is anything else you want to know, then just ask!): He has been one of my closest friends for the last 4 years, and he told me recently that he likes me as more than a friend. I most definitely feel that way about him too - he's everything I'd look for in a guy. The only problem is that I'll be going to a University in Melbourne (Australia), and he'll be going to University in Montreal (Canada).

Any advice?

[xspinningisfun]

Oh wow, that's far. I can't really offer you advice. Like, "You should do this," or "you shouldn't do that." But i am telling you that you need to pray about it. I'm not saying you aren't...I'm just putting it out there. Dig into the Word and God will give you His answer on what you're supposed to do!

But I do know a lot of long distance relationships work out. They haven't for me. But I know a lot of them have been successful.

[Little princess]

Although I've never had direct personal experience with long distance relationships, I do have some friends who are currently involved in ones and they seem to be working pretty well at the moment.

Having said that, long-distance relationships don't work for everyone, and there is much to be considered...

• Often the distance means that it is easier to resist sexual lusts. A long-distnce relationship is built on the foundation of communication, on talking, on e-mails, on visits. As such, I've noticed that those in 'long-distance' tend to be at a deeper emotional level, rather than physical. However, this also does often make the physical temptation to be stronger when able to visit.

• Trust is a very big deal when it comes to long-distance relationships. As you don't see each other daily, you become more relient on believing what the other person says. Is this guy someone you can trust to tell you the truth, not to keep secrets from you and similarly, are you willing to be 100% honest with him too? For example, if someone is unconfident about the strength of the relationship, they may tend to worry that boyfriend is cheating on them, etc. Similarly, accountability is extemely important

• I have known of people who have chosen not to go long distance and some of the reasons for this include: If someone tends to give a lot in a relationship, put their heart out then this is harder to achieve long-distance. Also, people worry that the relationship may impinge on settling into the new environment (such as spending more time on phone/e-mail/IM with boyfriend-girlfriend rather than getting to know roomates on collage)

• Even simple-things, such as time differences, etc. should probably also be considered.

• Long-distance relationships can also be really good. One of my friends, who I mentioned, has been together in long-distnace for about 2 years now. Having a boyfriend who she could talk to about anything yet who was also objective was great. They were able to share lots together and the distance kept forcing them to communicate, to re-evaluate thier relationship and to dicuss where things were headed. Little things started to mean a lot to her -- a phonecall, a present in the mail, a surprise trip, etc.

You asked for some tips about how to make them work, I stumbled across this article and I think it sumarises it loads better than I'll ever be able to.

My advice would be to sit down and talk to him about the possibility. And I mean discuss. Discuss what your expectations are, what your fears are and be honest. Talk to your parents also (if you're able to) as our folks are often pretty great for giving advice. And talk to Christ.

Like already said, talk to Christ about this relationship. He knows what's best for you and this guy. Pray to him, pour out your heart - your hopes, your fears, your dreams, Read his word and listen to Him.

Finally, I'd have a look at this article, it might be useful.

Does any of this help? Please do keep us posted on how things work out.

Your sister in Christ,
Little Princess

[MyOnlyHope]

Originally Posted by xspinningisfun

Oh wow, that's far. I can't really offer you advice. Like, "You should do this," or "you shouldn't do that." But I am telling you that you need to pray about it. I'm not saying you aren't...I'm just putting it out there. Dig into the Word and God will give you His answer on what you're supposed to do!

But I do know a lot of long distance relationships work out. They haven't for me. But I know a lot of them have been successful.

Yeah, it is a long way, isn't it?! But at least there's email, skype etc. to stay in touch! And I suppose one good thing about it is that we won't be tempted to go further than we should! We can just get to know each other better without that 'distraction'.

And yeah, we will both most definitely be praying about it. Oh, and a bit of a side note - this guy played a big part in me becoming a Christian.

Anyways, if you don't mind me asking... why did your long distance relationship(s) not work out? Is there something you would have done differently that would have perhaps made it work?

Originally Posted by Little princess

Often the distance means that it is easier to resist sexual lusts. A long-distance relationship is built on the foundation of communication, on talking, on e-mails, on visits. As such, I've noticed that those in 'long-distance' tend to be at a deeper emotional level, rather than physical. However, this also does often make the physical temptation to be stronger when able to visit.

Good point. We will be really careful about that – discussing where to draw the line, making sure that when we see each other we’re not alone etc. (Other suggestions more than welcome, please!)

Originally Posted by Little princess

Trust is a very big deal when it comes to long-distance relationships. As you don't see each other daily, you become more reliant on believing what the other person says. Is this guy someone you can trust to tell you the truth, not to keep secrets from you and similarly, are you willing to be 100% honest with him too? For example, if someone is unconfident about the strength of the relationship, they may tend to worry that boyfriend is cheating on them, etc. Similarly, accountability is extremely important

Yeah, definitely! Michael is one of my closest friends. I trust him completely, and I know that I can talk to him about absolutely anything. There’d be no secrets at all!

Originally Posted by Little princess

I have known of people who have chosen not to go long distance and some of the reasons for this include: If someone tends to give a lot in a relationship, put their heart out then this is harder to achieve long-distance. Also, people worry that the relationship may impinge on settling into the new environment (such as spending more time on phone/e-mail/IM with boyfriend-girlfriend rather than getting to know roommates in college)

Sorry, I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “If someone tends to give a lot in a relationship, put their heart out then this is harder to achieve long-distance…”

As for it impinging on settling into University: Well, we are both so pleased about receiving the University offers we did. (We both got our first preference.) Believe me, we will be making the most of our time there! We will find a balance between Uni life and staying in touch with each other.

Originally Posted by Little princess

Even simple-things, such as time differences, etc. should probably also be considered.

At the moment, I’ve been coming online at 8am, which is 4pm for him. That has been working well. Once we’ve got our timetables, we’ll figure out times that we can chat, but finding a time that suits both of us shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Originally Posted by Little princess

Long-distance relationships can also be really good. One of my friends, who I mentioned, has been together in long-distance for about 2 years now. Having a boyfriend who she could talk to about anything yet who was also objective was great. They were able to share lots together and the distance kept forcing them to communicate, to re-evaluate their relationship and to discuss where things were headed. Little things started to mean a lot to her -- a phonecall, a present in the mail, a surprise trip, etc.

Aww, that’s so sweet! It’s nice to hear that it has worked out for someone! Hopefully Michael ans I will be another long distance relationship success story like theirs!

Originally Posted by Little princess

My advice would be to sit down and talk to him about the possibility. And I mean discuss. Discuss what your expectations are, what your fears are and be honest. Talk to your parents also (if you're able to) as our folks are often pretty great for giving advice. And talk to Christ.

Like already said, talk to Christ about this relationship. He knows what's best for you and this guy. Pray to him, pour out your heart - your hopes, your fears, your dreams, Read his word and listen to Him.

I have been, and will continue to be, praying about it. So will he. In a few weeks, he'll be back for a short time and we'll have a discussion about where to go from here.

Originally Posted by Little princess

Does any of this help? Please do keep us posted on how things work out.

YES! It helps a lot. Thanks so very much for taking the time to post all that, and finding those articles. God bless!!

[AliveInHim]

Originally Posted by hailz_13

Ok, I was wondering if any of you have any stories about long distance relationships. Can they really work? Any tips to make sure they work?

Here's a breif summary of the situation (If there is anything else you want to know, then just ask!): He has been one of my closest friends for the last 4 years, and he told me recently that he likes me as more than a friend. I most definitely feel that way about him too - he's everything I'd look for in a guy. The only problem is that I'll be going to a University in Melbourne (Australia), and he'll be going to University in Montreal (Canada).

Any advice?

Long distance CAN work. I will never say that it won't, but there are alot of factors that go into it. Age is a big one. If both parties are people that are still living with parents, under their rules, and under their financial dependence, then it makes it very difficult. In this case, it's virtually impossible. If the both people are pretty much independent adults, then it can work with this in mind. Eventually - someone HAS to move. OR both people HAVE to move to a neutral location so they can be closer. A relationship can be long distance for a time, but it cannot stay that way. Both people have to come to the same place eventually. It cannot work otherwise.

My fiance and I started out long distance, and this is how I know this can work. However, both of us were adults. We had finances to travel to see one another. We could make our own schedules. We had our own modes of transportation. I could make the choice to move, and he could do the same. I was the one that moved to be closer to him, and I am happy that I did. We are now engaged, and we are having a wonderful time in our relationship. I cannot dream of anything better.

Being that you are only 18 years old, I don't know how much indepedence you have. I don't know how much he has either. If you do start a relationship, it is entirely up to you. BUT, you must know that in the end, it won't work unless SOMEONE moves closer to the other one. Relatioships have two outcomes -- marriage or break up. You can break up miles apart from one another, but you cannot marry that way.

Amanda

[xspinningisfun]

Yeah, it is a long way, isn't it?! But at least there's email, skype etc. to stay in touch! And I suppose one good thing about it is that we won't be tempted to go further than we should! We can just get to know each other better without that 'distraction'.

And yeah, we will both most definitely be praying about it. Oh, and a bit of a side note - this guy played a big part in me becoming a Christian.

Anyways, if you don't mind me asking... why did your long distance relationship(s) not work out? Is there something you would have done differently that would have perhaps made it work?

Wow, that's awesome! Seems to me like a very good guy! :]
I talked about it a little before but I was involved with this guy...we weren't dating because of the distance thing, but we did mention that it might work out. This guy gave me every right to believe that he felt the same about me. Like he used to go to my friends, asking if I talked about him. He used to call and he used to sign onto MSN every night so he could talk to me. I feel that he liked me in the beginning but then started leading me on later on into the relationship. One night, he signed onto MSN and I was there. He told me went home with a girl the other night and said he was sorry for hurting me but said "we both knew it wouldn't work out. it's better this way." I didn't cry at first...but it slowly sinked in that he played me really bad and it still hurts to this day. So that's why. And I'm not the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I made it a point to never a guy again. And I was succeeding for the longest of time, until that guy came. And something about him...I just felt drawn to him. And I pushed that feeling away over and over. But it still stuck. So that's why the relationship didn't work

[MyOnlyHope]

Originally Posted by AliveInHim

Long distance CAN work. I will never say that it won't, but there are alot of factors that go into it. Age is a big one. If both parties are people that are still living with parents, under their rules, and under their financial dependence, then it makes it very difficult. In this case, it's virtually impossible. If the both people are pretty much independent adults, then it can work with this in mind. Eventually - someone HAS to move. OR both people HAVE to move to a neutral location so they can be closer. A relationship can be long distance for a time, but it cannot stay that way. Both people have to come to the same place eventually. It cannot work otherwise.

My fiance and I started out long distance, and this is how I know this can work. However, both of us were adults. We had finances to travel to see one another. We could make our own schedules. We had our own modes of transportation. I could make the choice to move, and he could do the same. I was the one that moved to be closer to him, and I am happy that I did. We are now engaged, and we are having a wonderful time in our relationship. I cannot dream of anything better.

Being that you are only 18 years old, I don't know how much indepedence you have. I don't know how much he has either. If you do start a relationship, it is entirely up to you. BUT, you must know that in the end, it won't work unless SOMEONE moves closer to the other one. Relatioships have two outcomes -- marriage or break up. You can break up miles apart from one another, but you cannot marry that way.

Amanda

I won't be living with my parents for much longer. I'll be living up closer to the University I'm going to (which is a couple of hours away from here). I have my own mode of transportation (not that that's much use!) and I have a job, and will have the money to go to Canada if I decide to do so.

As for Michael, he will continue living with his parents whilst he is at University, but I don't see how that is a problem. Please can you explain why you think that living with his parents makes it 'virtually impossible' for us to have a relationship?

I'd definitely consider moving over there after University (which won't be until I'm 23 years old). Or he may want to come back to Australia. We'll figure something out if we're still together once we've finished University. But moving closer to each other won't be a problem at all.

Originally Posted by xspinningisfun

Wow, that's awesome! Seems to me like a very good guy! :]
I talked about it a little before but I was involved with this guy...we weren't dating because of the distance thing, but we did mention that it might work out. This guy gave me every right to believe that he felt the same about me. Like he used to go to my friends, asking if I talked about him. He used to call and he used to sign onto MSN every night so he could talk to me. I feel that he liked me in the beginning but then started leading me on later on into the relationship. One night, he signed onto MSN and I was there. He told me went home with a girl the other night and said he was sorry for hurting me but said "we both knew it wouldn't work out. it's better this way." I didn't cry at first...but it slowly sinked in that he played me really bad and it still hurts to this day. So that's why. And I'm not the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I made it a point to never a guy again. And I was succeeding for the longest of time, until that guy came. And something about him...I just felt drawn to him. And I pushed that feeling away over and over. But it still stuck. So that's why the relationship didn't work

Yeah, he is a very good guy! In the 'What do Christian girls look for in a guy?' thread on here, Amanda wrote an amzing list of the qualities she wanted in a husband. That inspired me to write my own list (this was before Michael told me he liked me), and I was looking at it before and realising how perfectly that list describes Michael. Pretty amazing, hey?

I'm so sorry to hear about that guy! That's completely horrible, and you deserve so, so , SO much better! There's an amazing guy out the for you somewhere, I know it!

So, you weren't close friends with him first? It's not like that with Michael - he'd just straight out ask me how I feel, rather than asking my friends. We tell each other literally everything. Anyway, I'm so sure that Michael would never do anything like that to hurt me. Perhaps that sounds stupid. Maybe you thought the same thing. But he just wouldn't.

[AliveInHim]

Originally Posted by hailz_13

I won't be living with my parents for much longer. I'll be living up closer to the University I'm going to (which is a couple of hours away from here). I have my own mode of transportation (not that that's much use!) and I have a job, and will have the money to go to Canada if I decide to do so.

As for Michael, he will continue living with his parents whilst he is at University, but I don't see how that is a problem. Please can you explain why you think that living with his parents makes it 'virtually impossible' for us to have a relationship?

I'd definitely consider moving over there after University (which won't be until I'm 23 years old). Or he may want to come back to Australia. We'll figure something out if we're still together once we've finished University. But moving closer to each other won't be a problem at all.

I'm a little sleepy, and I may not have made my words very clear. I apologize. What I mean is by "living with parents" is living dependent upon your parents -- for transportation, for money of ANY kind, for everything, still under their schedule and their rules only, very little independence. I know people that are 15 talking about Long distance relationships -- they 1) cannot drive, 2) don't have jobs and 3) have no power to move out on their own. You, however, do. That's the difference. If you are still dependent completely on mom and dad and basically aren't an adult -- then it is very, very hard to have a LDR work out.

Yeah, he is a very good guy! In the 'What do Christian girls look for in a guy?' thread on here, Amanda wrote an amzing list of the qualities she wanted in a husband. That inspired me to write my own list (this was before Michael told me he liked me), and I was looking at it before and realising how perfectly that list describes Michael. Pretty amazing, hey?

Aww, this makes my heart giggle inside! I'm glad that it inspired you. I'm happy to know that God was able to use that list to help you. I'm so thrilled. It is amazing that the list describes Michael. That's so cool!

Amanda

[xspinningisfun]

So, you weren't close friends with him first? It's not like that with Michael - he'd just straight out ask me how I feel, rather than asking my friends. We tell each other literally everything. Anyway, I'm so sure that Michael would never do anything like that to hurt me. Perhaps that sounds stupid. Maybe you thought the same thing. But he just wouldn't.

Ohhh, I hope you didn't get the impression that I said your boyfriend is the same. I was just sharing my story! No, I think you and your boyfriend are heading in the right direction, from what I can read! Keep it up and keep praying!!!!! God will let it all work out!

[MyOnlyHope]

Originally Posted by xspinningisfun

Ohhh, I hope you didn't get the impression that I said your boyfriend is the same. I was just sharing my story! No, I think you and your boyfriend are heading in the right direction, from what I can read! Keep it up and keep praying!!!!! God will let it all work out!

Sooorrrryyy! My brain is clearly not working today - I have no idea what I'm talking about! Anyway, thanks muchly for your help and encouragement.