Losing my motivation

JesusfreakASIAN · 01-11-2006, 11:30 PM

It's me again! I know that i often post a lot of stupid silly things on this site, but this topic i feel is very important and it's driving me insane.

I'll start off with my life story.

Well, since i was born, my mother and my father had extreme tension between them. They always argued, always complained about eachother, and would almost always take it out on us. They never beat us or anything, but when they got angry you knew it was best to stay in your room and make sure it was extra tidy so they wouldn't have a good reason to raise their voices. So, years went by and i grew up, used to there arguements and curses, and though i knew it was bad, i always acted happy and optimistic and tried to stay cheerful when they went at it. I ignored it as most children would, and found comfort when the home was at peace, usually when my father was at work.

then, my older sister grew into a young adult, and she started acting up as most young adults do (who don't obey the bible) and gave my parents a lot of stress. My father disrespected her everyday, even at times when they weren't bickering, and my mother would become so abusive that she threw her down the steps. Thankfully no-one was seriously injured. My mother had a very, very bad temper, and if you would slightly even aggrivate her, it would escalate into something extremely exaggerated that would not call for the reaction she put forth. If i had problems with my homework, instead of letting me understand my problem, she would say it once and scream and hit me if i didn't understand it after she taught me. Thankfully my sister was there to "protect" me at times, though she would also be punished, and if you questioned her, you would also be screamed at. Thankfully i was able to grow up knowing this was wrong.

So, i grew up some more and another child is born, a daughter whom we named Eve, and i became an older sister. I was happy of course, but the tension between everyone in the family was only getting worse. finally, two years ago, my father seperated from my mother, since he didnt believe that she was doing her motherly duty (she cooked, kept the house, and took care of us while also working part time...what did he expect?), and she seperated from him because of al the emotional abuse he gave her (called her cooking crap when it most certainly was not, put on stupid music like that one song that goes "she's a man eater", accused her of cheating with any man that was ever mentioned in the house...a lot of things). They finally broke up, and i was happy but at the same time sad. I had much hatred towards my father at that time, and i had even more hatred when my mother had to move out of the house and find an apartment. What ticked me off even more was that he expected us(his children) to cook and clean for him, and if we didn't he'd go into a temper tandrum. So this cycle continued until another obsticle hit me; my best friend killed herself. We were the live next to eachother/walk eachother to school every morning/ sleep over eachother's house ever weekend type of best friend, and though i heard her threats and saw the cuts on her arms, i did not believe her. She did, five days after my birthday, and i just started hating everything.

So then that happens, and finally to top it off, i find my father looking for a girlfriend, and not just any girlfriend, an ASIAN girlfriend from KOREA. He was trying to make my mother jealous!! It seemed like he didn't even care that i was extremely depressed, he was just looking for something to make him happy! I was shocked and critisized him, but he still got a girlfriend, cept she's white, has really bad cooking, and wasn't exactly nice. The only thing that kept me from suicide was my younger sister, who needed me because my history was repeating with her, but still even that thread was thin.

Then, God comes and outreaches His hand to me. Of course, i was a big, big sinner at that time (proud, hated everything...) so i tried to deny Him, but after a while i wasn't not able to hold Him back and i accepted what was being thrown to me. After a while, i learned to accept what Jesus did and how i should change me life, and i became saved. I've never felt so complete and full of purpose in my life, i understood why these things were happening and felt greatful for them because otherwise i would not have found Jesus. I've learned to forgive and forget and to be open and trust people, but now things are starting to change again.

My mother does not agree with the bible or christianity, but insists that she knows everything that the bible says. When i try to teach her, she pushes me away and says that she knows already, and she's trying to tell me that she doesn't need to go to church to have a relationship with God, which is true sometimes, but she never looked at the bible, never prayed at night, and does not follow what the bible says. She said "I don't think that i God who loves us so much would let us burn in Hell", and i said "I don't think a person who doesn't love God should have a place in heaven", and she tried to tell me how my belief is wrong, but i didn't listen. I tried to tell her about how abortion was wrong, and all these other things, and whenever i mention the bible she says "don't pull the bible crap on me" or something similar. And whenever i mention God or Jesus, she becomes quick to change the subject.It's just very discouraging.

Then, monday night, my mom was trying to teach eve on math, and i heard her screaming at her and my sister was crying. Trust me, we've had this conversation about not screaming and beating children when they're learning many times before, but she didn't listen. So i come downstairs and she screams "SAMANTHA GO UP STAIRS!" becuse she knew that i was going to try to teach Eve instead. I finally got fed up with it because normally i would listen, and i told her "YOu cannot yell at a child when the child is learning. It's not the child's fault that she does not understand the concept, so you have to teach it to her." Now, i've lived this already, and screaming at a kid won't make him learn any better. It only makes him nervous to give it another shot. She got really, really ticked off, and followed me up the steps into me room, screaming "YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, DONT YOU?!" and screaming and screaming. I just replied no, and repeated what i told her in the kitchen, because it was wrong and i was so sick of it. I wasn't going to let that happen to Eve. So then she kept screaming and told me to shut up, but i didn't(this is the second time this has happened, my sister confronted her first when i was younger.), and it all the sudden got really violent. She threw my dresser across the room, smashed my mirror off my closet, tried to throw my guitar against he wall, tried to punch me in the face a couple of times, hit me with a couple of things, threw a couple of things at me (telephone, alarm clock) and told me to pack my things and get out before she threw everything away. I didn't because her behavior was rediculous, and i was going to stick up for Eve because it was a terrifying expirience that Eve should have to go through (being taught), so i stayed there and tried to make her come to her sensed. She didn't listen and told me to get out while she threw everything away, so i went downstairs and i prayed that God would do something; send me a path or show me what i did wrong. He answered it, and my mother apologized and started crying her eyes out while saying she would never do that again. I said alright, and i'm hiding my bruises, but i had also learned that i'm going to have to teach her a lot of things, and that i have to change my ways as well.

Sorry that was so long, but from what's happening, im started to wear out. No-one in my family supports my christian beliefs, no-one lives a christian lifestyle, and when i try to teach them, they push me away. I'm trying to make my sister into a christian but it's so hard because our mother does not support it, and my father lives in mississippi and his house was torn down two months after he moved there with his girlfriend (sign from God i think) by the hurricane, and he doesnt believe in God and his girlfriend thinks that God isnt real. He came by for Christmas, and my sister thought he was going to stay for good, but he left and as soon as he shut the door she cried her eyes out (she's only 7). I'm just so stressed, and i've been fighting this temptation to give up for a long time now, but im afraid that my razor is losing it's edge. Not only this, but one of the people at my church whom i thought i could trust the most betrayed me in the most unimaginable way possible, and i'd hate to revert to my old self where i couldn't put myself to trust anyone. Because of my family (this will sound horrible, i'm sorry) i don't really want to start a family of my own, and all of my God-filled hopes and dreams seem impossible and depressing now. I don't know what to do, and some of the things that my mother does are very wrong and i feel i HAVE to confront her, like it's my obligation. I just...i dont know

does anyone have any advise for me? I dont know...i don't think my heart can take this anymore. I'd hate hate hate hate hate to lose sight of God, but i feel like im going into a ditch and i can't stop myself! Sorry if i don't sound like a good christian, but i feel so tired and exhausted from it all...i've said to myself many many times "God will do what he's going to do...", and i've put my faith in his desision for me and trusted what's happening, but it's realy getting me down.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it!

-Sam

debator4ever · 01-11-2006, 11:38 PM

Hmmm. could you summarize please? I'd be up till tomorrow afternoon reading all that lol...
if you don't want to summarize then its alright lol...

jkplayschess · 01-12-2006, 08:40 AM

Remember your spiritual armor. The word and prayer get you through the roughest times. It may also be helpful to have someone close you can share things with. Remember that you can't do anything in your own strength, it's by His grace alone. Pray like you've never prayed before. God will hear you and respond for good. Don't be afraid to share whatever you're feeling with Him. I'll be praying as well. God bless.

Eyes on Him,
jason

JesusfreakASIAN · 01-12-2006, 11:33 PM

wooooowwww!! This time my prayer was answered right after a prayed!! I went to be that night and prayed for a way out; I told God how desperate i was in need of help and asked Him to be mercyful enough to help me through this, and he did! I remembered that i forgot to do my devotional, so i got up, went on the internet (Gospelcom.net), and when i went to the devotionals page, the verses were this:

Psalms 34:17-19

The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
the righteous face many troubles,
but the LORD rescues them from each and every one.

isnt that strange? its a very random devotionals thingy(goes through different parts of the chapters of the bible), and somehow i got this verse when there are so many others!

I may sound like a complete idiot, but i guess all that i really needed to hear was that God was with me and that he would get me out of this situation. After reading that, i didn't feel quite as alone because Jesus was in my heart, that's all i needed to hear, and now i feel hopeful once more!

thanks for giving me a hand and reminding me of what i should do! God will carve a way...i just have to borrow strength from Him and try to teach my family how to open the door for Jesus! I'm the lighthouse of the home right now, so i will do what i can to try to save them.

Thank you so much!

in Christ,
Samantha

Baggs · 01-13-2006, 04:39 AM

Thankyou for sharing your story with us. It's very inspirational for those who think we've got a tough evangalism task. I'll be praying that your family come round and that you convert them totally, so that they truly repent. It is often the people who sin the most who make the christians who worship the most. Hold on in there, that psalm is awesome and God will provide all that you need. Don't doubt Him, and you will have no reason to. Keep on praising and soaking in the word!

Brin

gotvision · 01-13-2006, 03:01 PM

yea thats Great that God gave u an answer. Remember next time youre discouraged...do what David did....look up to the mountain of the Lord! When there is no one to encourage you...JUSt look to the one who Loves you no matter what. Fall in his arms...let him embrace you and say Dont cry little child...ull be fine..dont worry.everything will be alright...JUst trusT ME!!

diamarie · 02-05-2006, 05:09 PM

Hey...Hello..
I understand what you are going through.
My dad died,he had a short temper. I'm christian while no one else is, everyone is against it, my mother is stubborn, when I was taught I was yelled at,beaten and hit, and I bleed just to make it go away.
And my brother is turning into my 'father'.Same short temper etc.
I wanted to kill myself,but I found God.. But His tie with me never seems strong enough. However,I advise you to fight with all your strength and just give Him everything. Your pain,problems,just give it all to Him. He'll take it, and help you...
If you want to talk, I'm around too.
PM me if you want my MSN thingimajig.
God Bless

01-11-2006, 11:30 PM	#1
JesusfreakASIAN JesusfreakASIAN Edit AY! Newbie	Losing my motivation It's me again! I know that i often post a lot of stupid silly things on this site, but this topic i feel is very important and it's driving me insane. I'll start off with my life story. Well, since i was born, my mother and my father had extreme tension between them. They always argued, always complained about eachother, and would almost always take it out on us. They never beat us or anything, but when they got angry you knew it was best to stay in your room and make sure it was extra tidy so they wouldn't have a good reason to raise their voices. So, years went by and i grew up, used to there arguements and curses, and though i knew it was bad, i always acted happy and optimistic and tried to stay cheerful when they went at it. I ignored it as most children would, and found comfort when the home was at peace, usually when my father was at work. then, my older sister grew into a young adult, and she started acting up as most young adults do (who don't obey the bible) and gave my parents a lot of stress. My father disrespected her everyday, even at times when they weren't bickering, and my mother would become so abusive that she threw her down the steps. Thankfully no-one was seriously injured. My mother had a very, very bad temper, and if you would slightly even aggrivate her, it would escalate into something extremely exaggerated that would not call for the reaction she put forth. If i had problems with my homework, instead of letting me understand my problem, she would say it once and scream and hit me if i didn't understand it after she taught me. Thankfully my sister was there to "protect" me at times, though she would also be punished, and if you questioned her, you would also be screamed at. Thankfully i was able to grow up knowing this was wrong. So, i grew up some more and another child is born, a daughter whom we named Eve, and i became an older sister. I was happy of course, but the tension between everyone in the family was only getting worse. finally, two years ago, my father seperated from my mother, since he didnt believe that she was doing her motherly duty (she cooked, kept the house, and took care of us while also working part time...what did he expect?), and she seperated from him because of al the emotional abuse he gave her (called her cooking crap when it most certainly was not, put on stupid music like that one song that goes "she's a man eater", accused her of cheating with any man that was ever mentioned in the house...a lot of things). They finally broke up, and i was happy but at the same time sad. I had much hatred towards my father at that time, and i had even more hatred when my mother had to move out of the house and find an apartment. What ticked me off even more was that he expected us(his children) to cook and clean for him, and if we didn't he'd go into a temper tandrum. So this cycle continued until another obsticle hit me; my best friend killed herself. We were the live next to eachother/walk eachother to school every morning/ sleep over eachother's house ever weekend type of best friend, and though i heard her threats and saw the cuts on her arms, i did not believe her. She did, five days after my birthday, and i just started hating everything. So then that happens, and finally to top it off, i find my father looking for a girlfriend, and not just any girlfriend, an ASIAN girlfriend from KOREA. He was trying to make my mother jealous!! It seemed like he didn't even care that i was extremely depressed, he was just looking for something to make him happy! I was shocked and critisized him, but he still got a girlfriend, cept she's white, has really bad cooking, and wasn't exactly nice. The only thing that kept me from suicide was my younger sister, who needed me because my history was repeating with her, but still even that thread was thin. Then, God comes and outreaches His hand to me. Of course, i was a big, big sinner at that time (proud, hated everything...) so i tried to deny Him, but after a while i wasn't not able to hold Him back and i accepted what was being thrown to me. After a while, i learned to accept what Jesus did and how i should change me life, and i became saved. I've never felt so complete and full of purpose in my life, i understood why these things were happening and felt greatful for them because otherwise i would not have found Jesus. I've learned to forgive and forget and to be open and trust people, but now things are starting to change again. My mother does not agree with the bible or christianity, but insists that she knows everything that the bible says. When i try to teach her, she pushes me away and says that she knows already, and she's trying to tell me that she doesn't need to go to church to have a relationship with God, which is true sometimes, but she never looked at the bible, never prayed at night, and does not follow what the bible says. She said "I don't think that i God who loves us so much would let us burn in Hell", and i said "I don't think a person who doesn't love God should have a place in heaven", and she tried to tell me how my belief is wrong, but i didn't listen. I tried to tell her about how abortion was wrong, and all these other things, and whenever i mention the bible she says "don't pull the bible crap on me" or something similar. And whenever i mention God or Jesus, she becomes quick to change the subject.It's just very discouraging. Then, monday night, my mom was trying to teach eve on math, and i heard her screaming at her and my sister was crying. Trust me, we've had this conversation about not screaming and beating children when they're learning many times before, but she didn't listen. So i come downstairs and she screams "SAMANTHA GO UP STAIRS!" becuse she knew that i was going to try to teach Eve instead. I finally got fed up with it because normally i would listen, and i told her "YOu cannot yell at a child when the child is learning. It's not the child's fault that she does not understand the concept, so you have to teach it to her." Now, i've lived this already, and screaming at a kid won't make him learn any better. It only makes him nervous to give it another shot. She got really, really ticked off, and followed me up the steps into me room, screaming "YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, DONT YOU?!" and screaming and screaming. I just replied no, and repeated what i told her in the kitchen, because it was wrong and i was so sick of it. I wasn't going to let that happen to Eve. So then she kept screaming and told me to shut up, but i didn't(this is the second time this has happened, my sister confronted her first when i was younger.), and it all the sudden got really violent. She threw my dresser across the room, smashed my mirror off my closet, tried to throw my guitar against he wall, tried to punch me in the face a couple of times, hit me with a couple of things, threw a couple of things at me (telephone, alarm clock) and told me to pack my things and get out before she threw everything away. I didn't because her behavior was rediculous, and i was going to stick up for Eve because it was a terrifying expirience that Eve should have to go through (being taught), so i stayed there and tried to make her come to her sensed. She didn't listen and told me to get out while she threw everything away, so i went downstairs and i prayed that God would do something; send me a path or show me what i did wrong. He answered it, and my mother apologized and started crying her eyes out while saying she would never do that again. I said alright, and i'm hiding my bruises, but i had also learned that i'm going to have to teach her a lot of things, and that i have to change my ways as well. Sorry that was so long, but from what's happening, im started to wear out. No-one in my family supports my christian beliefs, no-one lives a christian lifestyle, and when i try to teach them, they push me away. I'm trying to make my sister into a christian but it's so hard because our mother does not support it, and my father lives in mississippi and his house was torn down two months after he moved there with his girlfriend (sign from God i think) by the hurricane, and he doesnt believe in God and his girlfriend thinks that God isnt real. He came by for Christmas, and my sister thought he was going to stay for good, but he left and as soon as he shut the door she cried her eyes out (she's only 7). I'm just so stressed, and i've been fighting this temptation to give up for a long time now, but im afraid that my razor is losing it's edge. Not only this, but one of the people at my church whom i thought i could trust the most betrayed me in the most unimaginable way possible, and i'd hate to revert to my old self where i couldn't put myself to trust anyone. Because of my family (this will sound horrible, i'm sorry) i don't really want to start a family of my own, and all of my God-filled hopes and dreams seem impossible and depressing now. I don't know what to do, and some of the things that my mother does are very wrong and i feel i HAVE to confront her, like it's my obligation. I just...i dont know does anyone have any advise for me? I dont know...i don't think my heart can take this anymore. I'd hate hate hate hate hate to lose sight of God, but i feel like im going into a ditch and i can't stop myself! Sorry if i don't sound like a good christian, but i feel so tired and exhausted from it all...i've said to myself many many times "God will do what he's going to do...", and i've put my faith in his desision for me and trusted what's happening, but it's realy getting me down. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it! -Sam
Status: Offline

01-11-2006, 11:38 PM	#2
debator4ever debator4ever Edit Prophet/Prophetess	Hmmm. could you summarize please? I'd be up till tomorrow afternoon reading all that lol... if you don't want to summarize then its alright lol... __________________ Why is the rum *Always* Gone?!
Status: Offline

01-12-2006, 08:40 AM	#3
jkplayschess jkplayschess Edit Prophet/Prophetess	Remember your spiritual armor. The word and prayer get you through the roughest times. It may also be helpful to have someone close you can share things with. Remember that you can't do anything in your own strength, it's by His grace alone. Pray like you've never prayed before. God will hear you and respond for good. Don't be afraid to share whatever you're feeling with Him. I'll be praying as well. God bless. Eyes on Him, jason
Status: Offline

01-12-2006, 11:33 PM	#4
JesusfreakASIAN JesusfreakASIAN Edit AY! Newbie	wooooowwww!! This time my prayer was answered right after a prayed!! I went to be that night and prayed for a way out; I told God how desperate i was in need of help and asked Him to be mercyful enough to help me through this, and he did! I remembered that i forgot to do my devotional, so i got up, went on the internet (Gospelcom.net), and when i went to the devotionals page, the verses were this: Psalms 34:17-19 The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. the righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one. isnt that strange? its a very random devotionals thingy(goes through different parts of the chapters of the bible), and somehow i got this verse when there are so many others! I may sound like a complete idiot, but i guess all that i really needed to hear was that God was with me and that he would get me out of this situation. After reading that, i didn't feel quite as alone because Jesus was in my heart, that's all i needed to hear, and now i feel hopeful once more! thanks for giving me a hand and reminding me of what i should do! God will carve a way...i just have to borrow strength from Him and try to teach my family how to open the door for Jesus! I'm the lighthouse of the home right now, so i will do what i can to try to save them. Thank you so much! in Christ, Samantha
Status: Offline

01-13-2006, 04:39 AM	#5
Baggs Baggs Edit Disciple	Thankyou for sharing your story with us. It's very inspirational for those who think we've got a tough evangalism task. I'll be praying that your family come round and that you convert them totally, so that they truly repent. It is often the people who sin the most who make the christians who worship the most. Hold on in there, that psalm is awesome and God will provide all that you need. Don't doubt Him, and you will have no reason to. Keep on praising and soaking in the word! Brin __________________ No longer Christian. Sorry, feel free to hassle me if you must but please, no standard evangelism patters...they get old.
Status: Offline

01-13-2006, 03:01 PM	#6
gotvision gotvision Edit Soldier Fighting 4 JC	yea thats Great that God gave u an answer. Remember next time youre discouraged...do what David did....look up to the mountain of the Lord! When there is no one to encourage you...JUSt look to the one who Loves you no matter what. Fall in his arms...let him embrace you and say Dont cry little child...ull be fine..dont worry.everything will be alright...JUst trusT ME!! __________________ "When people become indoctrinated, they stop thinking" T.L. Osborne
Status: Offline

02-05-2006, 05:09 PM	#7
diamarie diamarie Edit Disciple	Hey...Hello.. I understand what you are going through. My dad died,he had a short temper. I'm christian while no one else is, everyone is against it, my mother is stubborn, when I was taught I was yelled at,beaten and hit, and I bleed just to make it go away. And my brother is turning into my 'father'.Same short temper etc. I wanted to kill myself,but I found God.. But His tie with me never seems strong enough. However,I advise you to fight with all your strength and just give Him everything. Your pain,problems,just give it all to Him. He'll take it, and help you... If you want to talk, I'm around too. PM me if you want my MSN thingimajig. God Bless
Status: Offline