guarding my heart..?

Damaris · 04-20-2005, 06:38 PM

Ok, so I just backed off on a friendship with a guy I've known for years. I haven't even seen him in person in over a year, but we still chat on the phone or the internet sometimes. And I really mean sometimes....because sometimes it'll be months inbetween when we chat, and that's fine. It was just a friendship, right?

Well, the past two weeks we would start talking for hours over the phone about theological stuff. We'd both have our bibles out, be comparing different verses and different versions, debating what certain verses mean, and stuff. IT was really awesome.

The only problem was, he would jokingly flirt with me. As in, sarcastically saying "I love you" when I was about to hang up, or just stuff like he would say "don't hesitate to call anytime" and I'd say "well, i will hesitate, but I'll keep that in mind" and then he'd say "I know you'll be thinking of me" and hten I would get mad at him. He knows I only want a friendship, and yet he insists on flirting with me in this way. Yet 90 percent of our conversations are about God and the bible and stuff, and so I didn't cut off comunication.

Finally, last night I told him to be honest with me. He confessed that yes, he wanted a relationship with me, but he knew I only wanted a friendship and that's why he made me believe he was only joking when he was actually being serious. That really scared me, because although I had suspected it I didn't know what to do about it, because he knew where I stood. He knew that I was not interested in a relationship, and he knew it bothered me when he flirted with me, albeit jokingly.

I could pile a lot of blame on him, because he was not being completely honest with me. He ignored the boundaries I set up for myself, (as in, not flirting with me) and continued to allow me to think that he only htought of me as a friend.

But I feel that I am equally to blame. I have tried so hard to guard my heart, and I realized last night that I had failed again. Yes, I did get mad at him every time he made a flirty comment, and I did tell him to stop, but I didn't cut off comunication when he ignored my boundaries. I continued to hope that a friendship would work, when all the time he was forcing himself into my heart.

Girls, in your opinion, what should I have done, and what can I do in the future to avoid that? Have you ever had a guy friend who is a good friend, but is always testing your boundaries even when you tell him to stop? How can you stop it unless you cut off all comunication, and if you do cut off all comunication, you make yourself look like a complete jerk for not even talking to that person for the "simple" offense of them flirting with you?

Guys, I was going to write this in the "young women" section, but then I realized that it would be good for you to know how important it is to respect a girl's boundaries, and also how important it is to be completely honest with them.

krystal · 04-21-2005, 01:10 PM

I say you also need to be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel. I know how it goes to have a best guy friend like you but try hard to respect your not wanting to have a relationship type thing. He would also jokingly say things like you were describing and finally he told me he did like me as more than a friend I had to tell him that if he couldn't accept only being friends for now and couldn't stop the commenting I would have to take a break from communicating with him because all I wanted was a friendship nothing more. Luckily he respected my wishes and we have become the best of friends and he is totally cool with me having a "boyfriend"

debator4ever · 04-21-2005, 03:17 PM

In my case, its almost always girls going over my boundaries...
I respect girls and their boundaries. I have my own standards so yeah I would definitely respect a girls comfort zone. But....girls these days...man they're so desperate! lol
but I see what you mean...

MyJoyOverflows · 04-22-2005, 04:39 PM

You can't worry about what you could have done...because you can't change what happened. In the future...just remember this experience and what happened. I have had things like this happen before. Remind him that you only want friendship...in my case, I couldn't be friends with him any longer because he wouldn't stop acting the way that he was...I pray that doesn't happen with you. Just pray about it and take this as a lesson learned...NEVER COMPROMISE YOURSELF OR YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!

nvan91 · 04-24-2005, 06:27 PM

Here is what I think about how this whole situation played out. Being a guy I understand what it is like to be falling for a girl, while knowing that she is not interested. There is a point where a man's heart overrules what is logical and rational and I firmly believe that it reached that point for him. He probably liked you so much and wanted to tell you so badly but he felt that he didn't want to destroy what you two had built up over the week... so he flirted with you. He knew that even if you didn't want to be flirted with, you would eventually bring up the question of whether or not he liked you. Guys are so scared to tell a girl that they like her so they make every effort to make it seem like he likes her without having to be the one to bring it up. Unfortunately that is somewhat of a deceptive way to go about it but for Christian guys when we develop a spiritual bond with a female we are quickly drawn to a desire for a deeper relationship. My only suggestion is to give this guy a chance. I do not believe love just happens so I would tell him that you are not ready for a relationship and you will be evaluating the friendship. Make sure that you tell him to respect whatever decision you make but make it clear that you are genuinely considering if he could be the right type of guy for you.

Damaris · 04-26-2005, 03:51 PM

Thank you all for your advice, and nvan91, that really shed a lot of light on the reason he was acting that way, so thanks for that.

I do believe the situation is somewhat resolved. After talking to him about how I don't want a relationship, I didn't talk to him at all for three days. Then I called him up and we talked about theological stuff again, swapped stories aobut some awesome things that God has done in our lives or in the lives of others, made lots of random (but not flirty) jokes, then hung up.

Then last night I was in a lot of pain, and I needed to talk to someone....and so I called him up and we talked for four hours. I know, that probablly wasn't the smartest thing for me to do.....but I had to talk to someone, and he had stressed so much that I could call him anytime. But he treated me as only a friend, and I was really thankful for that.

So thank you all again for your advice, and your insight.

04-20-2005, 06:38 PM	#1
Damaris Damaris Edit servant	guarding my heart..? Ok, so I just backed off on a friendship with a guy I've known for years. I haven't even seen him in person in over a year, but we still chat on the phone or the internet sometimes. And I really mean sometimes....because sometimes it'll be months inbetween when we chat, and that's fine. It was just a friendship, right? Well, the past two weeks we would start talking for hours over the phone about theological stuff. We'd both have our bibles out, be comparing different verses and different versions, debating what certain verses mean, and stuff. IT was really awesome. The only problem was, he would jokingly flirt with me. As in, sarcastically saying "I love you" when I was about to hang up, or just stuff like he would say "don't hesitate to call anytime" and I'd say "well, i will hesitate, but I'll keep that in mind" and then he'd say "I know you'll be thinking of me" and hten I would get mad at him. He knows I only want a friendship, and yet he insists on flirting with me in this way. Yet 90 percent of our conversations are about God and the bible and stuff, and so I didn't cut off comunication. Finally, last night I told him to be honest with me. He confessed that yes, he wanted a relationship with me, but he knew I only wanted a friendship and that's why he made me believe he was only joking when he was actually being serious. That really scared me, because although I had suspected it I didn't know what to do about it, because he knew where I stood. He knew that I was not interested in a relationship, and he knew it bothered me when he flirted with me, albeit jokingly. I could pile a lot of blame on him, because he was not being completely honest with me. He ignored the boundaries I set up for myself, (as in, not flirting with me) and continued to allow me to think that he only htought of me as a friend. But I feel that I am equally to blame. I have tried so hard to guard my heart, and I realized last night that I had failed again. Yes, I did get mad at him every time he made a flirty comment, and I did tell him to stop, but I didn't cut off comunication when he ignored my boundaries. I continued to hope that a friendship would work, when all the time he was forcing himself into my heart. Girls, in your opinion, what should I have done, and what can I do in the future to avoid that? Have you ever had a guy friend who is a good friend, but is always testing your boundaries even when you tell him to stop? How can you stop it unless you cut off all comunication, and if you do cut off all comunication, you make yourself look like a complete jerk for not even talking to that person for the "simple" offense of them flirting with you? Guys, I was going to write this in the "young women" section, but then I realized that it would be good for you to know how important it is to respect a girl's boundaries, and also how important it is to be completely honest with them. __________________ Let my heart be fixed on Thee My Lord, my life, my love Linger near and gently lead To rapturous joys above.
Status: Offline

04-21-2005, 01:10 PM	#2
krystal krystal Edit Prophet/Prophetess	I say you also need to be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel. I know how it goes to have a best guy friend like you but try hard to respect your not wanting to have a relationship type thing. He would also jokingly say things like you were describing and finally he told me he did like me as more than a friend I had to tell him that if he couldn't accept only being friends for now and couldn't stop the commenting I would have to take a break from communicating with him because all I wanted was a friendship nothing more. Luckily he respected my wishes and we have become the best of friends and he is totally cool with me having a "boyfriend" __________________ Krystal
Status: Offline

04-21-2005, 03:17 PM	#3
debator4ever debator4ever Edit Prophet/Prophetess	In my case, its almost always girls going over my boundaries... I respect girls and their boundaries. I have my own standards so yeah I would definitely respect a girls comfort zone. But....girls these days...man they're so desperate! lol but I see what you mean... __________________ Why is the rum *Always* Gone?!
Status: Offline

04-22-2005, 04:39 PM	#4
MyJoyOverflows MyJoyOverflows Edit Prophet/Prophetess	You can't worry about what you could have done...because you can't change what happened. In the future...just remember this experience and what happened. I have had things like this happen before. Remind him that you only want friendship...in my case, I couldn't be friends with him any longer because he wouldn't stop acting the way that he was...I pray that doesn't happen with you. Just pray about it and take this as a lesson learned...NEVER COMPROMISE YOURSELF OR YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!
Status: Offline

04-24-2005, 06:27 PM	#5
nvan91 nvan91 Edit AY! Newbie	Here is what I think about how this whole situation played out. Being a guy I understand what it is like to be falling for a girl, while knowing that she is not interested. There is a point where a man's heart overrules what is logical and rational and I firmly believe that it reached that point for him. He probably liked you so much and wanted to tell you so badly but he felt that he didn't want to destroy what you two had built up over the week... so he flirted with you. He knew that even if you didn't want to be flirted with, you would eventually bring up the question of whether or not he liked you. Guys are so scared to tell a girl that they like her so they make every effort to make it seem like he likes her without having to be the one to bring it up. Unfortunately that is somewhat of a deceptive way to go about it but for Christian guys when we develop a spiritual bond with a female we are quickly drawn to a desire for a deeper relationship. My only suggestion is to give this guy a chance. I do not believe love just happens so I would tell him that you are not ready for a relationship and you will be evaluating the friendship. Make sure that you tell him to respect whatever decision you make but make it clear that you are genuinely considering if he could be the right type of guy for you.
Status: Offline

04-26-2005, 03:51 PM	#6
Damaris Damaris Edit servant	Thank you all for your advice, and nvan91, that really shed a lot of light on the reason he was acting that way, so thanks for that. I do believe the situation is somewhat resolved. After talking to him about how I don't want a relationship, I didn't talk to him at all for three days. Then I called him up and we talked about theological stuff again, swapped stories aobut some awesome things that God has done in our lives or in the lives of others, made lots of random (but not flirty) jokes, then hung up. Then last night I was in a lot of pain, and I needed to talk to someone....and so I called him up and we talked for four hours. I know, that probablly wasn't the smartest thing for me to do.....but I had to talk to someone, and he had stressed so much that I could call him anytime. But he treated me as only a friend, and I was really thankful for that. So thank you all again for your advice, and your insight. __________________ Let my heart be fixed on Thee My Lord, my life, my love Linger near and gently lead To rapturous joys above.
Status: Offline